Hilton Als writes for The New Yorker and the New York Review of Books. As the first essay in the collection, his "Buddy Ebsen" may come as a bit of a shock. The opening sentence reads, "It's the queers who made me" (1). The term "queer" is powerful in itself; when used by non-gays, it is considered a homophobic slur. It is typically used to convey identity and unity in the gay community. This first sentence becomes the most prominent of the essay as Als repeats it at the beginning of each paragraph. He writes, "It's the queers who made me. [...] Who died in a fire in an apartment in Paris. Who gave me a Raymond Radiguet novel when I was barely older than Radiguet was when he died, at twenty, of typhoid" (1). Als's juxtaposition of innocent memories and mature experiences demonstrates that he was very much "made" by the gay community, which had been teaching and nurturing him since he was a young man. He makes constant allusions to "gay culture," giving us brief glimpses into his community. We see signs that Als is maturing in his identity until the last paragraph; rather than showing the ways that others have affected him, he begins, "It's my queerness that made me" (4). Finally breaking his pattern, Als shows that his own sexuality is a source of identity and pride for him, even when it causes confusion and suffering.
Although Als first published "Buddy Ebsen" for readers of The Believer magazine, I believe he was his own intended audience. Due to his intentional disregard of detail, only he can fully understand and appreciate what he wrote. He describes, "It's the queers who made me. [...] Who took me to Paris. Who let me share his bed in Paris. Who told my mother that I would be okay, and I hope she believed him" (2). The reader can infer that these were significant events in the author's life, but nobody but Als himself can relive or even identify the emotions he felt in those moments. This gives the essay an almost diary-like air of mystery. I think Als, the only person who can decode it, wrote "Buddy Ebsen" more as an outlet for his own feelings and personal expression than for the entertainment or information of outsiders.
Although Als first published "Buddy Ebsen" for readers of The Believer magazine, I believe he was his own intended audience. Due to his intentional disregard of detail, only he can fully understand and appreciate what he wrote. He describes, "It's the queers who made me. [...] Who took me to Paris. Who let me share his bed in Paris. Who told my mother that I would be okay, and I hope she believed him" (2). The reader can infer that these were significant events in the author's life, but nobody but Als himself can relive or even identify the emotions he felt in those moments. This gives the essay an almost diary-like air of mystery. I think Als, the only person who can decode it, wrote "Buddy Ebsen" more as an outlet for his own feelings and personal expression than for the entertainment or information of outsiders.
A Role Model
Meeting Jackie Curtis, his idol, helped Als become more confident in his identity and sexuality.
